Pants 0. Shit 1.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
