Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
