apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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