Will you blow on my dice?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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