when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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