This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
