She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
