i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
