I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
