Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
