I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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