im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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