remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
