Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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