i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
