Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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