Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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