you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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