The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
