If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
