2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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