respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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