Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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