the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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