i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
