I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
