two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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