When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
