he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
