Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
