I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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