You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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