I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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