When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
