I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
