remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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