I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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