Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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