After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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