I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
