i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
