You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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