He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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