I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
