Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
