wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
