Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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