Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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