Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
