Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
